The Monster in the Corner

This is our tv.  Obscene, isn't it?  We bought it at Costco a couple of years ago.  In the atmosphere of a giant warehouse store, it looked normal to biggish (55 inches).  When we brought it home, lugged it through the house, and set it up, I took a step back and gasped in horror.  WHAT had we done?!  It is gigantic and ridiculous.  When people come over, I feel the need to explain and apologize for the blatant display of American laziness and materialism dominating our living room.  ("we didn't know it was so big! please don't judge us!")

Television has always been a pretty major part of my life, I'm sad to say.  Yes, as a little girl I loved to play with my toys and read, but I also loved me some tv, and, as an adult, my tv is pretty much always on.  I need background noise, and I'm not a huge music person (although I do listen to music all day at work--probably because I can't watch tv there).  Having my favorite shows on in the background as I cook, clean, and check things off of my to-do list at home makes me happy. 

Several months ago at church a guy for whom I have a lot of respect got up on stage and talked about using tv to create a false sense of community.  hmm.  As someone who's never been super social and who thinks of Felicity, Lorelei Gilmore, and the girls of SATC as some of her favorite people, what he said made me stop and think; not enough to actually cause me to change my tv-watching habits, but his words have definitely stayed with me, lurking in the back of my mind. 

I know that "screen time" isn't great for kids, especially kids who have sensory and attachment issues.  They need to be in the real world, with real people, exploring and playing and using their hands and their imaginations.  I have given a lot of thought to how my life will have to change once we have kids in our home, and, to be honest, it makes me a little anxious.  I've pinned loads of things on Pinterest to aid me in my quest to become that mother--the mother I want to be.  That mother doesn't spend hours watching Grey's Anatomy and Bones and Criminal Minds while her kids play alone.  That mother creates sensory activity kits and cloud dough for her kids and spends hours helping them finger paint and learn their letters and numbers.  

There are some women I know whose households are completely tv-free.  Now, that's just crazy talk.  But, while I don't think we will ever be a tv-free family, I am working on making it less of a focus.  A few Sundays ago when we got home from church I didn't plop down on the couch as usual, remote in hand.  Instead, I left the tv off, turned music on, and took care of some things that needed to be done.  I responded to e-mails I'd been ignoring, I worked on the blog, I sat down with Jon and made a fundraising plan (I'm feeling completely overwhelmed by the fundraising thing, by the way... more on that later).  It was nice.  It was needed.  Since then, I've also had a couple of tv-free Saturday mornings (just for the first few hours after I got up).  Those mornings have also been nice, and needed.  

Baby steps, people.

So, I guess part of the "waiting well" thing for me is working out my relationship with the monster in the corner.  While I'm not sure I'll ever be that mother, I sure as heck don't want to be the one who doesn't give her kids what they need because she's too concerned with her own comfort and entertainment.  

Waiting Well

 

I've been thinking for several weeks about writing a post on "waiting well," but I just hadn't gotten around to it.  This evening someone in our agency's facebook group posted the question "what does it mean to 'wait well'?" and I figured it was a sign that I needed to get my butt in gear.

 

We have officially been waiting for 1 month and 3 days.  It's hard for me to believe that we've gotten to this point in the process, after over a year of agonizing over the wait to wait.  Our dossier arrived in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia on Valentine's Day.  I've always hated Valentine's Day (I don't appreciate cheesy, forced romantic gestures), but now I guess I have to like it, at least a little.  When I got the e-mail below from FedEx I just stared at it for a few minutes.  God bless Selam (which actually translates to "hello" in Amharic), whomever he/she may be.

 

 

As I said, we're only 1 month and 3 days into the wait. However, I've been thinking about what it means to "wait well" for a long time already.  I'm sure that over the year/s we have until our kids come home my thoughts and feelings will change a few times, so this is probably the first of many posts on the subject (get excited). 

 

For us, for now, waiting well means preparing ourselves--every part of ourselves and our lives--as best as we possibly can, so we are well equipped to provide our children with everything they need.  It means getting our finances in order, it means getting in shape and establishing good eating/exercise habits (neither of which we've been super successful at in the past) so that our kids will grow up healthy and active, it means learning as much about attachment and adoptive kids' needs as we possibly can. 

 

At this point, we're feeling okay with--and even thankful for--the long wait we have ahead of us.  From the moment the judge in Ethiopia says "they are yours," our lives will change forever.  For now, we're savoring the last little bit of this child-free chapter in our marriage.  



 





dos·si·er

 [dos-ee-YAY!]

This is the post I've been waiting one year, two months, and a few days to write.  Our USCIS approval arrived Wednesday, and this morning we sent off our dossier--and a big check--to our agency.  

Oh M GEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This means that the wait to wait is almost over, and we are *almost* officially WAITING.  Waiting for the phone call and e-mail with our referral information, waiting to see our children's faces, waiting to visit the country we've fallen in love with, waiting to begin life as a family of four.  

So, here's how it works.  West Sands will receive our dossier on Tuesday (I'm watching you, FedEx), and they will sort through all of the documents and make sure everything looks good.  Then, they will send it to a government office in D.C. to be authenticated (which basically means approved and stamped) and translated into Amharic, then it will be sent back to West Sands.  West Sands then sends it to Ethiopia... when our dossier is in the hands of the Ethiopian government, we will officially be on the list, officially WAITING.  

We would gratefully appreciate your prayers that our little dossier stays safe and sound during its world tour and that it (we) would find favor with each government official who touches it.

FedEx excitement

our entire life is in this binder.  

Oh M GEEEEEE!!!!

celebratory lunch at queen of sheba

Waiting to Wait

I have been struggling a lot this week with self pity.  We still haven't received our USCIS approval, and we had our fingerprints taken one month ago today.  I never thought that we would start 2013 NOT being on the waiting list.  Lots of other West Sands families have been getting really quick responses from USCIS--one couple got their approval FOUR DAYS after their fingerprints--and they're all passing us by.  Jon has been calling USCIS once a week for a month to ask what our status is, and each time he gets the same answer: our file is still waiting to be assigned to a case worker, waiting to be handled.  Life is  beginning to feel like one of those dreams when you're running as fast as you can and not moving an inch, or moving excruciatingly slowly. I get multiple "how is the adoption going?!" questions each week, and I grit my teeth and always answer the same: "fine, thanks, we're just waiting on our approval! we're really excited!"

I have had many angry/weepy moments when I've wondered why this process seems to be harder for us than for other people (which is ridiculous, because some families have to fight and petition and hire attorneys to get their children home).  I am also dealing with the bitter disappointment and heartache of a difficult situation with a family member, which has not turned out the way I've hoped and prayed (and I mean the lying face down on the floor in a puddle of snot and tears kind of praying).  I have definitely had a few "where the heck ARE you, God???  I'm super pissed!" conversations with Jesus. 

Admittedly, I struggle a lot with fear, anxiety, and a glass-half-empty outlook on life.  In my defence, I've lived through some pretty crappy stuff, including the tragic, sudden, and shocking death of my very best friend in the world 8 years ago.  A lot of the things I've feared most (the death of loved ones, job loss, multiple family members facing life-threatening illnesses) have come roaring to life and punched me in the face. So, of course, I immediately jump to worse-case-scenario mode with regard to this adoption. (Russia's recent announcement that it's about to ban all adoption of Russian children by American families is not helpful in this regard.)

I think I need to have some serious time with Jesus, and maybe some counseling, to shake me out of this fear/anxiety mode.  It's blinding me to the awesome things happening in my life.  I've mentioned before on this blog that we want/need to pay off our debt before the babies come home, and I've spent   years--even before adoption was on the radar--praying that God would miraculously provide the means for us to pay off our debt.  About a month ago, Jon got a huge bonus at work, enough for us to pay off one of our highest-balance credit cards. He sent me a text saying that the balance on this card had been paid in full and, when I was driving home that day, it hit me--God had miraculously provided to help us pay off our debt.  With this one card's balance gone, we can begin applying its huge monthly payment to our other cards and will hopefully be on our way to being debt free.  Praise His name.

I apologize for the lengthiness and heaviness of this post.  If you've kept reading this far, God bless you.  I promise the next post will be light and fluffy, with lots of pictures.



Skipping Steps

I have a problem with wanting to skip steps and make things happen.  This problem has led me to create many unpleasant situations for myself over the years.  When I want something in life I want it NOW, and I try and rush to the finish line--often wreaking havoc in my life along the way.  I can tell when the Lord is trying to work something out in me because I usually encounter a similar situation over and over, much to my annoyance.  The message I've been getting loud and clear over the past year--which has been magnified even more the past couple of weeks--is SLOW DOWN.  Be patient.  Trust Me.  This is completely infuriating, and yet I'm finding myself slowly yielding and becoming more peaceful.  A little.  I've even been stuck  behind people going a good 10 miles below the speed limit (which makes me insane) every single day on the way to work for the past two weeks.  The first week of this I fumed and arrived at work irritated and tense everyday.  I yelled "GOOOOOO!!!" a lot in my car.  This week I've just been turning up the music or NPR and relaxing.  Patience--okay, I get it Lord.  You can stop with the annoying slow people now.  I even had a doctor--who's been such a blessing and a help to me--tell me today to stop trying to rush through the treatment I've been receiving from him, that it will take some time.  Ha! 


I don't have to tell you again that I'm feeling impatient about adoption stuff.  (See the impatience blog post from a couple of weeks ago.)  I want to see progress NOW!!!  We have chosen our agency, we are excited and ready to go.  The only thing holding us back from getting started is money, and that makes me crazy.  I'm feeling crazy because most of my stuff on eBay isn't selling, and no one wants to buy the couch we've posted three times on CraigsList in the past week.  I know that my need to control things stems from fear; fear that I won't get what I want unless I force it to happen according to my timing. Now I'm afraid that Ethiopia will close to international adoptions before we get our babies home.  I'm afraid we won't be able to raise the money needed to fund our adoption and we'll be scrambling a year from now, desperately trying to find the money to finish the process.  I'm just afraid. 


As I work through this issue, the Lord keeps bringing to mind how He's displayed His faithfulness in my life.  A year ago there was a job I desperately wanted, and had wanted for a long time, at my company.  Despite some difficult circumstances I was chosen for the job, and it's been a huge blessing.  Jon was unemployed for 6 months and there were definitely many times when it seemed like he would never work again.  A few weeks after he lost his job I felt like the Lord told me it would be 6 months until he had a new one.  I kind of put it on the back burner--6 months seemed like an eternity and I didn't want to accept that it would take that long.  On January 12, 6 months to the day after Jon had lost his job, I woke up and told God, "okay, today it's 6 months.  You said 6 months and I'm holding you to it. It's go time."  Jon found out that day that he'd been chosen for an absolutely amazing job, which he now loves.  Two years ago I dreamt that my dad had a heart attack and died in my arms.  I knew the dream was a warning from the Lord and I began to pray daily for my dad's life to be spared.  A few months after the dream my dad had a massive heart attack, and yet his life was spared.  God is gloriously, ridiculously faithful.  He delights in His children and longs to fill our lives with good things.  He follows through.  He will follow through with His calling on our lives to adopt from Ethiopia.  He will provide the money and we will bring our children home according to His perfect timing.  I just need to trust Him.  And be patient.


Because I know blog posts are incredibly boring without something fun to look at, here's a sweet video that was made by a family who's using our agency:

Impatience

I'm struggling with feeling impatient today.  I always feel a little impatient about adoption stuff, but today I'm feeling the antsy-climbing-the-walls-can't-sit-still kind of impatient.  I want to apply to an agency (we are pretty sure which agency we are going to use and are in touch with them, but I'm not announcing who they are until we've signed on the dotted line), start the tedium of the paper chase, and complete our home study.  Yesterday. 

We need to raise $2,000 before we formally apply to our agency, to cover the application and home study fees.  Two. Thousand. Dollars.  Yipes. Jon and I have just implemented a spartan budget (tear) to pay off debt so that we are more financially free when the babies come home, and every extra penny--of which there are pitifully few--is going toward the debt mountain.  In other words, we don't have anything left over to put toward our adoption fund and are relying solely on fundraising to get us to our goal. We are having a big garage sale this Saturday and we have been blown away by the generosity of our church family members who have kindly given us their unwanted clothes, books, TVs, couches, etc.  I am praying that we raise a ridiculous amount of money.  I am also building a giant stack of items to sell on eBay; the babies win over Anthropologie shirts and old Coach bags.  My favorite quote in the "gotcha day" video I posted is: "God always funds His callings."  Amen.  We know that the Lord is Jehovah Jireh, Our Provider, and will more than meet our needs.  

But still, I am feeling impatient.  While I wait, tensed, at the starting line of the race we're about to run, I hold onto scriptures like these: 

"but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31  

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5-6

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done."  Philippians 4:6

And, I eat a lot of cookies.